Beauty is not so much what you see, but what you dream.
~Old Proverb~

Wednesday, April 16, 2014

Learning... Some more :)

We spend our years as a tale that is told... Teach us to number our days, that we may apply our hearts unto wisdom.

Psalm 90:9-12
 
I feel like its been forever since I wrote... It seems that words fail me ALOT, these days. I've been working on getting some rooms at my sister and brother-in-law's house ready. They offered to let me move in with them and offered their entire downstairs living room, two bedrooms and bathroom all to myself. Bless them, they have been such an encouragement to me! My sisters and a group of friends helped me paint and then Richard put up all the molding and new lights, etc... just to make the rooms especially mine. He is awesome!
I started unpacking boxes last week and getting things in order. Most of the time its not too bad... I just do a couple of boxes at a time, because if I go through too much stuff it seems to make me start crying. One day a box in the bathroom caught me by surprise. Someone had put a bag of wedding pictures in the same box as towels and wall hangings, etc... I sat down right on the tile floor and started going through them. They were happy pictures! We looked happy... We were happy! I sobbed for a few minutes and then sat there thinking about how special those memories all are, and how thankful I am for them! It reminded me to smile and give thanks to the Lord, because not all tears have to be sad ones. :)
I have found that it is very helpful for me to have a regular routine and not spend too much time just thinking. "Just thinking", while okay at times, seems to translate into a pity party for myself, which would make Andy very unhappy. He never indulged my pity parties, it was on of the things I loved about him. I don't consider "thinking with the Lord" to be the same as "just thinking" by the way. I do lots of thinking with the Lord in quiet places, all by myself and end up much refreshed!
 I spend a lot of time helping my sisters with their children, gotta love those precious little smiles and words. I help my parents on their little farm and I spend a lot of time with my Molly. This last week my brother in law Jason came down to Sweet Home and picked me up. We went to Spray for a few days and got to go turkey hunting and fishing. Our turkey hunting endeavors were rather sad, but we did manage to get six trout. I should say Jason managed to, really... because I mainly managed to tangle the line, lose most of the fish that were "mine" and cast out into all the wrong places. Haha! Thank the Lord for patient brothers! He just laughed at me and then let me bring ALL the fish home! :) It was great to go back to Spray...it had been my first time back there since Andy and I went there for Christmas and I was a little afraid that it would just make me want to cry the whole time. Instead, I didn't feel like crying once! Just enjoyed all the beautiful scenery (Spray in the spring is AMAZING!!) and remembered all the wonderful memories I had with Andy there. It turned into a blessing of a trip and I was thankful. :)
Being thankful, is, I think, the key... it totally changes your perspective. There are so many verses in the Bible that speak of being thankful and it was always something that my husband had on his heart and reminded me about. In the midst of all the sadness I had forgotten, for a bit, how to be thankful. It made life seem so hard and so sad! I'm not gonna lie...life still seems hard and sad, much of the time, but with the Lord, I know that I really can do this! I CAN se this baby for the Lord. I can deal with the everyday this and that with the Lord. My Andy may be gone and I will miss him everyday, but the Lord stepped into that place in my heart and has given me confidence.
I'm eager to meet this little person, the Lord is blessing us with... I still get fearful of the whole birth process and nervous of the days ahead, but I know that the Lord will be there each step of the way, and besides that he has given me SO MUCH wonderful family, that I know I will have the help that I need. I am thankful for each and every one. :) There have been many mornings when I woke up crying that my mama was right there to hug and me and remind me that the Lord is still in control. Does she know how comforting that was? And my daddy! He has sat and talked with me for hours about Andy...as I detailed each adventure we had together and probably told the same story a million times. It didn't matter... if it was funny he laughed like he'd never heard it and if it was sad I could see the tears glisten behind his glasses. I sat in my mother-in-law's kitchen this last week and watched her as she did dishes and made us all dinner. We talked about the good things and being thankful...does she know how encouraging that was? My father-in-law hugged me when I walked into his home and told me he loved me and was glad to see me. It made my heart soar to feel like I still fit in, even though their son is gone.
My sisters are the people that let me be me, no matter what. They NEVER tell me to get it together, they never tell me I'm being silly. They laugh and cry with me over whatever it might be and then they lift me up with words of encouragement. They are the BEST!
To all the friends who have surrounded me since Andy's death, I just want to thank you! You're encouragement and support has been such a blessing. I can't even describe!
The days continue to move ahead. Time keeps going. Aren't we funny creatures sometimes to think that time and life should stop because our heart's hurt? But we do! I look out the window now and then and see spring and new life happening all around me, and I wonder... "How is it still going on like nothing has happened?" But the Lord is the same yesterday, today and forever. He doesn't think as we do...He doesn't see things as we do. His plan is above all and nothing and no one can thwart it. He is the same on those beautiful spring mornings as he was on the painful day that we, on this earth, said goodbye to Andy. His comfort won't change. His love doesn't falter. He continues in His mercy and faithfulness through it all. Bless His name!
 
What shall we say then in response to these things?
If the Lord be for us, who can be against us!
Romans 8:31
 

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