This week wasn't my favorite. If we are being honest the whole year hasn't really been my favorite. To be really really honest, this whole decade has been a bit less of what I thought it was going to be and much more of what I didn't quite believe was possible. Last year I thought things were recovering somewhat... I met and married a man that seemed so awesome! Coming out of being a widow and into a new marriage with my baby girl seemed like a such a beautiful fresh start and I was so excited. Long story short I came home from our belated honeymoon pyhsically bruised, but with an even more bruised heart. When I finally got the guts to flee, it was really the epitome of brokenness in so many ways. So much fear and on top of it the disappointment, the discouragement, the judgement, the gossip...It was so overwhelming. It was crazy how so many things happened, one right after another, that I truly believed up until then couldn't actually happen to me. That was other people's lives. That was fiction. In the movies. But it wasn't. It was my life. And it was very unlike a movie. Nothing was turning out right. Nothing seemed to have a positive end and I couldn't grasp what the Lord was trying to do. I felt frustrated and discouraged in turns. I wanted to know that things were going to be ok. That it would all turn out just right if I stuck it out. I would trust the Lord one day and the next I would wonder what in the world I was doing. In the Fall my husband filed for divorce. It was one of the saddest and most discouraging days of my life thus far. It felt like so much failure as I stood there and took the papers from the police officer with my pregnant belly peeping out from under my tshirt. It seemed very much like the end if the world. Each week brought something new and dreadful. Sometimes each day. Remaining trusting and thankful felt so impossible when it seemed like there was just nothing to be thankful for! Good friends would remind me that it was a season and it would pass. Dad and Mom were serious rocks that possessed a kind of calm and faith that I still haven't achieved. It was a resting place in a sea of destruction that I kept thinking would calm and still hasn't. I'm starting to realize that the calm comes from inside of us and has nothing to do with our circumstances. It is a peace that only God can instill and it comes from relying solely on Him. Ive said again and again that it seems like the Lord keeps bringing me to the end of myself... to the place where I have absolutely no control of anything, just so he can show me that HE is the only one with true control. We like to pretend that its in our hands and granted we do make decisions that affect our lives, but in the end, his plan will not be thwarted:
"The Lord of hosts has sworn: "As I have planned, so shall it be, and as I have purposed, so shall it stand."
He also promises to be there with us and help us and that gives me a ton of courage to face what I CANNOT face.
"Fear not for I am with you; be not dismayed for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."
"But for this purpose I have raised you up, to show you my power, so that my name may be proclaimed in all the earth."
I don't claim to be there yet or to have so many answers or know where I'm going or what I'm doing much of the time, but I do believe the Lord has a plan. I do believe that I am imperfect and make mistakes but HE is so gracious and so perfect and he has been teaching me so much though everything. Some of the things I haven't really wanted to learn. Some things I have kicked against and been resistant to, but it has been so good for me. I belong to HIM and I feel safe knowing that even if nothing else ever goes the way "I" think it should, I can remember that HE is in control and has my best in mind and I can REST.
Anyway, the month of February is always a hard one. It is my beautiful painful past all encompassed in such a short time frame. The day of my first husbands death followed only a short day later by the anniversary of our marriage. Its a month filled with sweet and sad. Hope and defeat of the ultimate sort. On particular days, I remember absolutely every detail. Its so real that it could have been moments ago. So vivid that I can practically feel it. Mostly I don't sit around and mope, ok maybe I do now and then, but I do remember. Sometimes I cry about it. Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night and still wonder why. Really the heart of it comes down to the fact that I want to remember, though! I want my daughter to know. I want to remember all that was wonderful and good and all that the Lord brought us through and how it changed us and made us better! How it left us warm for others and their pain and how it has helped us to become more like HIM and shown us that HE has good plans in spite of all that we think and know. So in the end it really is hard, but its not the end. It really is cry worthy and discouraging at times, but it isn't all that we are. Its who we are becoming that counts, and like Dad always tells me... this isn't our permanent home. We are just passing through. All of this is just getting a ready and we are homeward bound! <3